Guilt
by Nameless227
Summary: Shepard has a moment of vulnerability. Femshep and Ashley.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Alas I do not own Mass Effect, Mass Effect is the property of Bioware Inc.

Authors note:

1) I'd like to thank AblatedCrayon for his help and guidance, without which this story would have never been told.

2) The spellings of certain words are in Queen's English.

Guilt

By

Nameless227

* * *

The captain's cabin was dark, quiet, and at first glance empty. Beside her bed, curled up in a

ball of pain, Lilith Shepard rocked backwards and forwards in anguish, silent tears leaving a

glistening trail down her ashen face.

_  
Kaidan was dead, atomized in the explosion that had destroyed Saren's secret base on Virmire._

_Dead because she'd had to make the choice between saving one life or saving many. The choice of_

_saving a man who was a good friend, who'd wanted to be more than just a friend; a man who had_

_overcome his own reticence and his personal demons, to reach out for some human contact._

_  
Lilith wished she'd handled her rejection of his advances better; she'd meant to be gentle,_

_but her words had been poorly chosen and harsher than she'd intended. She'd watched him retreat_

_into himself again, shutting her out; a wounded animal licking his wounds, but she couldn't have_

_pretended, couldn't have tried to feel something for him she didn't, could she?_

_  
After Noveria, he'd thawed a little and let her get a bit closer again. Maybe it was because_

_she'd let the Rachni Queen live and shown regret after the death of Matriarch Benezia. Perhaps he_

_had seen that she could care, have empathy, and show remorse. Now Lilith would never know and_

_could never ask, but his slight thawing had been enough to give her hope that with time they might_

_be able to resume their friendship.  
_

The tears fell faster now; her trim frame racked with tremors. The rocking quickened as she began to quietly sob.

_  
The other choice had been the many; the team she had sent to take out the last AA_

_emplacement, a team of salarians along with Ash. The team's job was to make the skies safe for the_

_Normandy to land and evacuate everyone before the nuke went off. The choice of saving an_

_infiltrator squad who'd done their job well and without complaint, who'd vowed to hold the line, no_

_matter the cost._

_  
The team with which Ash had gone. Ash, who was a friend to equal Kaidan, the person_

_Lilith went to when she needed to hear an opinion from the heart. The woman with whom Lilith had_

_so much in common and yet was so different. Ash, who had a wry sense of humour—almost too wry—who_

_had worked hard not only to rise above her family history, but to overcome the xenophobic reaction_

_she'd first had with Wrex, Garrus, Tali, and Liara.  
_

The sobs became a keening moan, the tremors more intense. Lilith's head banged against the cabin wall whenever she rocked back.

_  
The needs of the many had outweighed the needs of the few, the one. It was at the core of_

_Spectre doctrine and a decision that Lilith had made with only a moment's hesitation. She'd raced_

_to the tower with Tali and Wrex to give aid to the many. That had been her choice, her reason, her_

_lie._

_  
Without that lie she could have dealt with Kaidan's death. It would hurt—God would it hurt—but_

_it would be manageable, justifiable. Her duty to never needlessly squander the lives of the_

_soldiers under her command would be fulfilled. She'd still be able to function, to plan, to lead._

_If it wasn't for the guilt of that lie._

_  
Lilith hadn't known it was a lie, not then. When she first realized she'd lied to herself, it hit_

_her so hard she had almost handed the victory to Saren. She had been frozen by the experience of_

_one moment of perfect clarity and perception as she reached the tower and saw Ash fighting for her_

_life. Saw Ash—her friend, her soulmate, her beloved._

_  
The guilt of knowing she had made the choice for personal reasons rather than professional_

_ones was tearing at her soul.  
_

The door to her room opened, a bright rectangle of light slicing into darkness, There was a

dark silhouette standing in the doorway, stilled by what it saw. The shadowy figure moved forward,

letting the door quietly slide closed, plunging the room once more into darkness.

"Oh captain, my captain." Breathed a soft voice in the still, dark air.

Ashley Williams moved slowly towards her commanding officer, struck by the similarity

between the care she exercised now and the care with which Lilith had approached the fractured

former slave Talitha on their first return to the Citadel. She knelt in front of Lilith and hesitantly

reached out to embrace the traumatized woman. At first Lilith resisted, pulling back against the

cabin wall before relenting and collapsing into Ash's arms, great racking sobs shaking them both.

"Shh, I'm here," Ashley whispered clutching Lilith as tightly as she could, the depth of her

commander's feelings causing her own to threaten to overwhelm her.

"I had to choose," Lilith murmured brokenly. "I had to choose you."

Ash repositioned herself on her knees and pulled Lilith closer, a hand rising to gently stroke the

commander's raven hair.

"I know," Ash replied gently, "and I know why." She added tenderly.

Lilith's head rose as she looked at the gunnery chief for the first time, her tormented eyes

bewildered. Ash gently trailed her hand down Lilith's face to cup her commander's chin in her hand.

"Yes, I know why." She repeated quietly as she gently tilted her face down to softly kiss

Lilith, on her forehead, on her eyes, and finally settling tenderly on her lips.


	2. Chapter 2

Latent Epiphany

* * *

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams stood at her workstation in the hold of the Normandy,

striping and cleaning the weapons in her care, her movements were deft and sure as

she went about a routine she could have done in her sleep. Her calm exterior belied

the racing thoughts she had in her head: all was not right on the 'Mandy. The problem

was a subtle one, and as far as Williams knew only Dr. Chakwas and Ashley herself

were aware of it. This problem was Lilith Shepard, and Ashley was worried.

__

" The Commander hasn't been the same since Virmire. I thought it was just the shock of

_losing Kaidan. We all share that, but this is different. Soldiers die; it's part of the job, __you_

_store up __the pain, the loss, and confusion until after the task is done. That's when you _

_mourn, and rail at the __universe for the loss of a comrade; the death of a friend._

_  
I know the LT had a thing for the Commander, but I'd thought she hadn't returned those_

_feelings. Hmm, Dr. T'soni also seemed to be interested, that was certainly the scuttlebutt_

_I heard __anyway. I know Shepard hasn't shown any interest in her either; she's always so_

_formal with the __asari scientist. "_

Williams set aside the assault rifle she'd been cleaning—her rifle—a Spectre class weapon

that Shepard had given her as a gift. Shepard had bought all of them their weapon of choice,

pistols for the LT and Liara, a sniper rifle for Garrus, Tali and Wrex favoured shotguns—Shepard's

own favourite weapon—and for Williams it had been an assault rifle. The Commander had watched

her face intently when she'd handed it over.

__

" Don't I just know that I must have looked like a little kid at Christmas. I could see the laughter in the

_Commander's eyes as I took it._

_  
" Use it well, Chief. "_

_  
She'd said it so gently I almost didn't hear, and then she turned away, slapped Wrex on the shoulder_

_and discussed the merits of their new toys. I remember she beckoned Tali over before moving on to_

_talk with Liara and the LT. Things seemed to have improved—Kaidan didn't appear to be as distant_

_around Shepard as he had been. The Skipper placed her hand on his shoulder and gave it a gentle_

_squeeze before she left. That was the night before we landed on Virmire. "_

Williams sighed as she reached for Shepard's shotgun. She checked that the devastating

weapon was unloaded and the safety was on before beginning to strip it down. She shied away from

the memories of that last mission; the wounds were too fresh and too happier

memories, Ash thought back to when they had first arrived at the Citadel.

__

" The Council refused to believe that Saren was a traitor, and we were on the way to see

_Harkin about trying to track down Garrus. When we reached the wards, the first thing we saw was_

_a viewing point with a vista of the five ward arms reaching out to embrace the Serpent Nebula._

_We paused for a while to enjoy the view, but then the LT made a comment about the difficulties_

_there must be in getting all the races to work together._

_  
" Or maybe they just don't like humans. " I'd replied._

_  
The Skipper pulled back from where she'd been leaning on the balustrade, turned, looked me in the_

_eyes, and asked me, _

_  
" What's not to like? We've got oceans, beautiful women, this thing called love, according to_

_the old vids we have everything they could want. "_

_  
I was taken aback, both by the question and the look in her eyes, mostly gentle humour, but with a_

_trace of something else, something that—while I couldn't define it—made me just the tiniest bit_

_jumpy. Confused, I blurted the first thing that entered my head._

_  
" If they want to see me in a tinfoil mini skirt and thigh-high boots, I want dinner first."_

_  
The commander's eyes lit up, the indefinable gleam grew stronger as she grinned that lopsided_

_grin of hers—the one with the slight sideways tilt of the head—and replied teasingly,_

_  
" Now _that_ would be worth the cost to see. "_

Other memories overwhelmed her, making Ashley's head whirl as she recalled all of the

chats she and the Commander had shared, and how she had come to enjoy speaking with the

slightly older woman. She remembered how Shepard had teased her after overhearing a vid

message from one of her sisters, and the brief flash of pain behind the Skipper's eyes after she'd

asked about Lilith's family. Even now, Ash felt guilty for having so carelessly caused that split

second of pain.

_  
" How could I have forgotten she was from Mindoir? "_

Thankfully, a pleasanter memory interceded, distracting the young Gunnery Chief from

berating herself once again. She remembered how afraid—almost terrified—she'd secretly been as

she explained her family history to Shepard. While she waited for the usual result of that revelation,

the Skipper had surprised and delighted her. There had been none of the retreating behind barriers

of formality with the hidden, yet searing, looks of disdain. Instead, Shepard had taken it in stride,

and the inevitable distancing that usually followed a CO discovering her family's dishonour didn't

occur. Shepard had instead gained a greater insight into what drove Ash to excel.

She even remembered how the Skipper had always ended their chats with a soft, " Dismissed Chief. "

_  
" So gently, almost... tenderly. " _

" Oh God! " Ash whispered.

__

" Was the Skipper flirting with me? Did she even realize that she was? " 

Ash re-examined all of the times they had spoken together, searching for a clue as to what

was happening in the enigmatic Commander's head. She noted with a new clarity how her

interactions with Shepard were always subtly different compared to how she interacted with the rest

of the crew.

__

" Nothing... improper. " Ash mused. _" Shepard always maintains a layer of professionalism_

_in how she acts with me, but... there's always that feeling that there's something more that just_

_hasn't been said. A tension in her that she can't—or won't—define, the same kind of tension and_

_confusion that I—feel—every time. "_

Feeling unsteady as her thoughts whirled, the young Gunnery Chief collapsed to her knees

on the harsh, cold metal surface of the deck. She clasped Lilith's shotgun to her chest as she

realized that whether Shepard had been flirting with her or not, she certainly had feelings she didn't

really understand for her Skipper.

_  
" But, I've... never been attracted to a woman before. I'd thought she was beautiful when we_

_met, but not in a sexual way... Hadn't I? It was just one woman noticing and acknowledging the_

_good-looks of another... Wasn't it? "_

Ash let out a soft gasp.

_  
" Oh God, it wasn't! When... How did this happen? "_

Her emotions in turmoil at the unexpected discovery of just how she felt about her

Commander, Ash's thoughts spiraled in a maelstrom of confusion.

_  
" Does she feel the same way? Is this what I really want? Am I misreading what is_

_happening here? What if I am? What if... I'm not? "_

The troubled Chief stared into the black reflective finish of the shotgun in her hands as if it

were an oracle that could answer the multitude of spinning questions, and could tell her what to do

now. As if this weapon of war could hold within it the key to her inner peace.

Staring at the shotgun's barrel reminded Ash about Virmire once again. She remembered

fighting for her life with the salarians, the geth pushing them back and beginning to flank. She'd

known they were going to die.

_  
" The sacrifice would have been worth it, to save the 'Mandy—and Shepard. "_

The mission hadn't even been on her mind at that point; the only thing that had mattered to

her had been Lilith escaping before the bomb detonated. It seemed so obvious to her now, why she'd

been more preoccupied with where the Spectre was than whether or not they succeeded in

destroying Saren's base.

__

" But then I saw Shepard rush forward her shotgun—this weapon—drawn, ready to kill

_anything in her path, her expression had almost been... frantic. Our eyes fleetingly met—the initial_

_look of relief in her eyes when she first saw me, had given way to one of shocked disbelief and_

_something harder to define, almost like a brief flash of... guilt—then we both turned to the skirmish_

_going on around us forcing us to concentrate on killing or be killed. "_

Ash's brow furrowed as she tried to puzzle out what her Commander could have been

thinking in that brief moment.

_  
" Guilt? Why would the Skipper have felt that? She'd just saved the lives of the salarian_

_infiltration team and mine, at the expense of Kaidan's. I could understand if it had been pain and_

_regret—remorse even—but guilt? It was the right choice to save the greater number of lives despite_

_my argument that she should save the LT—Shepard had even told me so in our last conversation_

_so why should she feel guilty? "_

_  
"... Unless..? " _

Tears of sympathy began to flow, as Ash thought she finally understood the depression that

had settled over Shepard.

_  
" Does she think she made her choice because she has feelings for me? Did she chose to_

_save me because... she loves... me?_

Ash remembered all the times she had caught Lilith looking at her intently. Sometimes it had

been just after they had been in a battle. Ash had just put it down to the Skipper making sure she

was uninjured; but there had been other times when they'd been on the_ Normandy_ or the Citadel,

and Ash had turned only to find the Commander watching her with inscrutable eyes.

_  
" Oh God... She does! I... I have to talk to her! "_

The young Chief stood, her legs uncertain as she gently—almost reverently—placed the

shotgun on her workbench. She gave the weapon one last look before turning and racing towards

Lilith's quarters.


End file.
